I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.