My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
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Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
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He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?