I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.