Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.