hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?