Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
