I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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