god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
