So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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