Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
