I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
