Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
