I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
