The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
