farters have to be the big spoon...
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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