Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
