My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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