its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
