I murdered the dance floor call the cops
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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