I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
