just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
