the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
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It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
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alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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