he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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