should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
