It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
