god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
