remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
