Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
