Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
