the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
