I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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