drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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