is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
