life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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