put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
