I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
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