you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
