I showed him my bush... on skype.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
