I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
