the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
