it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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