I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Someone came in the potted fern
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
