So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
