i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize