I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
