She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She needs sedatives and a leash
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
