please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
