The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
