Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
What a dumb baby whore.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
