I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
