I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
