Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you told grandpa to call you daddy
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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