Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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