scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
