My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
