hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
