my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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