Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I believe in your delicious
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
