um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
