my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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