yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
