i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
