Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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